Walau sudah punya dua cahaya mata angkat, namun pengacara Farrah Adeeba seperti wanita lain yang tetap mengidamkan kehadiran zuriat sendiri kerana inilah yang melengkapkan seorang wanita.
14 tahun menanti namun dia belum putus asa, dan terbaru dia menjalani prosedur IVF sebagai salah satu usahanya.
Meski terlalu menginginkan tapi ketentuan Tuhan masanya untuk rezeki cahaya mata buat Farrah belum tiba. Keputusan IVF yang diterima negatif.
Sedih sudah tentu, malah membaca luahan hati buat hati berasa cukup sayu. Sebagai wanita, isteri kita faham perasaannya.
Meski sedih tapi saat membaca perkongsian yang dimuat naik dalam Facebook beliau, Farrah menangani perasaannya dengan cara yang cukup tenang.
Thursday 30/11/2017 was the 15th day after my IVF transfer. Hari di mana doktor akan periksa sama ada baby embryo berjaya melekat pada rahim a.k.a positif pregnant atau tidak.
Saya dan suami berjumpa doktor awal pagi. Pemeriksaan melalui 2 kaedah. Air kencing dan darah. Melalui air kencing result negatif.
Doktor maklumkan pemeriksaan air kencing adakalanya tak tepat. Sebab bukan air kencing awal pagi & dah minum air sebelum bertemu doktorr. Baik tunggu result darah. Keputusan mungkin dpt pd sebelah ptg.
Doktor pesan walau apapun keputusan kita harus redha & Allah dah tahu kita dah cuba sebaik mungkin. Saya peluk doktor dan ucapkan terima kasih. She has done so much for me & pesakit lain. Moga Allah berkati dr. I knew i might not be seeing her any time soon.
Saya masih lagi berjalan perlahan. Setiap langkah masih lagi berhati hati. Suami ambil kereta dan arahkan saya tunggu dia. Kami masih lagi mengharap keputusan darah, positif.
Dalam kereta saya sebak. Suami nampak tenang. Saya tanya “are you sad?”. Suami jawab “a little”. Lepas tu dia buat lawak. Saya pun tambah perisa. Thats how we are. We always make fun at our problems.
Saya balik dan terus tidur. Saya mahu masa cepat berlalu. Biar result darah cepat sampai. Kejap kejap terkejut dari tidur. Saya capai telefon. Belum ada jawapan. Zuhur dah masuk, saya bangun & solat.
Rasa sedih mula datang bila berhadapan dgn Nya. He loves me more than mom. As much as my mom wants the best for me, He knows whats best and ensures i get exactly that. Tapi saya tak mau menangis. I choked up. Saya masih menahan tangisan.
Tekak teramat sakit sampai saya ingatkan dpt panic attack. Masih dlm solat. Saya cemas. I was alone. The pain was escalating. Finally i just cried my heart out. The pain went away. Rupanya sakit sebab menahan tangisan. 1st time rasa. I kept on pleading to Him to give us what is best. I dont dare ask anything else.
Lepas solat saya baca Quran. I needed something to hold on too. I found it in (7:17). Im not going to let syaitan make me forget of all the blessings Allah has given me. After that i just lay down on the bed and closed my eyes. Masa, tolonglah cepat berlalu.
I woke up again at 4pm. Ambik wudu and was getting ready to pray. Saya tgk handphone. Doktor mesej bagi salam. Doktorr dah dpt result. Dia tanya nak whatsapp atau call. Saya jawab wa pun ok. I just wanted to deal with my feelings on my own.
She sent me a pdf file. I opened it. The result was negative. My heart sunk a little. But i never doubted His decision for me. Just like how i decide what is good for my sons though they might not like it.
So negative was 100% better than positive. I cant see the wisdom just yet. I might never even know it. It does not matter. So i prayed. I did not cry. I have done that already at zuhur.
After solat i went and carried Harith. It felt so good to feel him in my arms. Though i kissed and hugged him thru out the 2 weeks wait but i could not carry him or anything heavy. Ya Allah puasnya.
I got ready & decided to pick muhammad from school, with Harith along. Dah 2 minggu duduk baring kat bilik tamu tak kemana mana kecuali hospital. I was not allowed to even drive. So now, i shall drive!
Muhammad was confused when he saw me. Dia asyik tanya, kenape ibu ada kat sini. He knew that the pregnancy result was today. He kept asking, “ibu pregnant tak” dari sek sampai dlm kereta. I said “Allah nak bagi menantu menantu dan cucu cucu yg soleh instead”.
He said “muhammad tak nak dgr tu semua, so you pregnant tak?” I said no i was not. He was so frustrated dan started complaining “penat la mcm ni, buat rugi jer susah susah bla bla bla”. Mcm la dia yg dok kena inject bagai the past 2 months. Huhuhuhu…Kita pula last last kena motivate dia balik.
Lepas tu i headed straight to Homst with the whole gang: me hubby muhammad & harith. I wanted sambal udang petai with lots of sambal. Sebab dah 2 minggu tak boleh makan sea food dan apa apa pedas sebab nak avoid stomach upset dan sea food bolehmengganggu perkembangan embryo.
Suami pandang saya dgn muka risau & kata “sayang u jgn la lepas geram sgt”. I know he was worried about how i was taking it. Saya tambah cili padi hijau penuh sepiring. Huhuhuhu.
Lepas makan saya pekena pula choc brownie dan air ice lemon tea soda. Ya la kan. Dah 2 minggu pantang tak makan luar sebab nak elakkan keracunan. Air pun asyik yg suam suam jer kan. Yg paling happy ptg semalam was Harith. Abg punya dessert pun dia tolong habiskan. Ya la, dia pun kena house arrest mcm ibu. At least abg pegi sekolah.
I called mama & texted ama. Both of them sent me motivational text non stop. Ama even made the spiciest kari ever in her life that had cili padi swimming all over the gravy for lunch today. Coz her menantu had enought spiceless soups the past 2 weeks (yg rasanya mcm berzillion tahun).
I had ice latte too. I am unstoppable. But there were moments that i almost teared up. Well the 2 weeks were my closest experience to pregnancy i guess. I would like to share something i have kept to myself.
Why did i go thru this and why now? I just wanted to feel complete as a women, i wanted to know how it feels to be pregnant, to go thru what most women had gone thru.
There were moments i thought of asking Allah to make me pregnant walaupun i might have to go thru a misscarriage. But i did not dare. I kept asking for what is best. So i got what is best, for all 5 of us.
Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal.
Sumber: Farrah Adeeba
